And here I am.

If you know me at all, Autumn is my favorite Season- October especially getting me giddy- Lately, I really needed just that, some giddy.

I dont talk about this openly, at all, and hardly even with those who are super close to me, but this last year and a half I have been internally struggling. It started with my health taking a hit, then deployments lasting to long, to a total loss of self- Who I am. Im not alone in this, I know, yet I fear being weak and vulnerable, so I tried to just lock it away and power through. Tell my self “this is all first world problems, Life is so good to me! Is it hormones??? What the Hell is wrong with you?!” and not allow the bad feelings and stress to honestly get worked. I fell off my daily yoga//meditation ritual, again not helping my health, and became overwhelmed with everything- what Im not, yet trying so hard to be-if that makes sense.

Comparison and imposter syndrome is real- even more in this day and age where we have social media, involve our selves in circles of, maybe like-minded individuals, but also those who, although seemingly thriving in their lives, makes yours feel like your not enough. Somewhere along the way, I became completely buried, unable to get my head back above water. I see myself somewhere else, which is a very not so good feeling. Not without my kids or husband, just in a different place- making reality of what I long for my life to be. Trying to BE here, has challenged me to the core.

I have found that this is more normal then I thought- The transition women, even men, go through at different points in their path- As my “Stay at Home mama” journey started to come to an end,(I know this may come off spoiled, but it was a sacrifice Andrew and I made) while also moving around the world to another country overwhelmed me to my core, I found myself facing a new Journey- But lost on what direction I wanted to take. Do I want to go back to school?? Should I get some kind of full time job? Should I give up on all of my little side-hustle dreams and do as society is telling me?? We have big dreams of a Slow Life, and that takes way more money! Instead of focusing on who I want to be when I grow up (even at 36 years old!) I need to focus on who I want to be right now- I cant preach present mind set//follow your heart without practicing it- How did I have that all together 2 years ago and let it NOT slip away, but drop off a damn cliff at rapid speed??? How did I let a passion in my business fall to pieces?? Forget my WHY?

I felt like at this age in my life I had to have it all together, have some kind of success, and with that I was super under-validating all I have spent the last 12 years doing.

Well, it happens. I think whats most important is to be aware, stare it down, and begin taking steps forward again. What can I do in this moment, right here, that will bring me happiness? That will help me grow in a positive way? That will not take me back to the better mental state that I was once in, but to the now state of joy and gratitude?

All I can do is put one foot in front of the other- pull out that Yoga mat everyday, even when I feel to tired- get to nature every weekend, even when I feel like there is to much to get done at home- prioritize my time, even when I feel there is none- and allow myself a lot of grace, that I cant do it all and can say NO when I need to.

My Mom said it best, that its normal to constantly re-invent yourself- Have multiple career paths and goals! I know this, I hear this, but at this present time in my life, in this new place, I still couldnt figure it out. I think I have now, maybe-

I know this post is a lot of babble, but Blogging is one area I do want to focus my personal energy- Its my journal, my special place. I have worked years on this website and yet I allow it to take a HUGE back-seat to other online platforms, mainly because of, well, TIME, and it isnt really seen… Again, HELLO! Where did my WHY go? The WHY is Us. This is for Us. My little tribe under this roof, in my arms. A little documentary, so to speak.

I guess all Im trying to say is, I now understand. I see now when people say they are struggling in their mental state, where maybe I could have empathy before, I never really got it. Dont ever assume you know what somebody is going through, keep your judgement in check- We all have our shit, we all have moments of ups and downs, and we can all paint a pretty picture online while we are struggling behind the curtain- Allow some forgiveness to yourself and let go of what no longer serves you. Let in the love and light, even when it feels super difficult.

I have to say that I owe a lot to that guy in the picture above- He has really called me out on my attitude and crap, while then holding me through the darkness. Thank you Dear Husband for the support I try not to let you give me, but Im also screaming for- Its my road to navigate, but I appreciate you in the passenger seat-

So for today, day 7 of a new habit routine, Im breathing in- the cooler morning Autumn air, the stretch of sore muscles (golly Iv missed my YOGA!), the calming scent of palo santo smoke cleansing my home, and the encouraging words of my family, who no matter what, have been here for me.

Until next time- xoxo