I have found my therapy.

This week has been, not at all bad, but just maybe draining…. I have been overstretched- the to-do lists to long, the school prep, the end of Summer activities.. Only one of me, 5 of them. In the evenings I have felt dry, nothing left to pour, chasing a sense of self that I cant truly find.

I know other Moms get me, that they put so much into their kids, their home, dinners and errands and entertainment, the list goes on, that their sanity slips! That along the way, as much as your intention is there, YOU time is just put on the back-burner… There is always tomorrow, always the future… Someday it will be just me, just Him. But the version of me that comes out sometimes with the everyday of raising 4 kids, isnt always one I love… I find myself being short, frustrated over little things, losing patience- Golly Im making myself sound awful, but its honest… All parents get this way at some point…. Throw in a pandemic, a husband deployed, AGAIN (did we really sign up for this????), and living overseas, away from Grandma to drop a few kids off at, and what you have is a HOT MESS Mama.

I find pockets of time for a cup of tea, a short yoga flow, a walk with the Dog or bike ride. I have projects being done through the house, painting furniture, making dolls, dying fabric, setting up our Home School craft stashes… Yet Im never alone. The littles are always with me, there is noise outside my door. I took a very deep look at my life over the time I became pregnant with Madi, and I can say i cant recall a moment I have ever really been truly alone. Im sure I have been at some point, right? Yesterday I found myself CRAVING it.

I had an idea—- I have recently found a You-Tuber I LOVE. I know everyone says they have ‘Netflix catch up’ they wish they could get to, but I cant ever find anything to watch on any of the streaming stuff we have. So I watch a couple channels on YT. Usually its “How to build an Eco Home” or “Natural Living” type episodes, so Jonna Jintons’ Channel was suggested… It was Love at first sight… She lives in Northern Sweden, kinda in the middle of no-where… She is a photographer/videographer among other arts, but talks about this silence, taking trips alone in the mountains, immersing herself in Nature, living in the woods…. MY GOD did that sound idyllic. I couldnt wait another day/minute to have this for myself, even if just a glimpse. Of course, she has no children, so the freedom to do 3 day long trips alone into Reindeer Land is a little easier, but I figured I could at least sneak away now and again for an evening, for a sunrise, for a drive… My eldest was completely on board to babysit, she practically shoved me out the door while making dinner “Iv got this Mom, and you NEED this!!” She gets me. She is just like me. We have very similar future dreams….

So I took myself on a Date Night. I packed my camera, tripod, my favorite patch quilt I made over the past year, and some good tunes… Mostly Eminem and the White Buffalo, they make me think of husband, beats and lyrics wrapping me up like a warm blanket. I headed to a Mountain. I found myself completely alone. I walked barefoot. I listened to the birds and cicadas. I talked to a family of white cats with blue eyes. I watched the sky change from fire to purple tones. I took a few photos, practiced a little video. I found some peace.

I got home after dark, the girls were in bed waiting for me to tuck them in… Goodnight kisses. Then I poured a small glass of wine and pulled out my schedule. I have days now written down where I will make these moments happen more, even if just reminders. I will not feel guilty and will hold on to the importance of filling up my cup. That I need this, my kids need ME.

That sky tho—- Till next time… -xoxo