Because I want to be a "Maker"...

“I think if Im being honest with myself, all I have ever really wanted to be is an artist…..”

I heard this from a fellow Navy Wife 8 years ago while she was doing my hair out of her teeny tiny converted Japanese bedroom in her Cho. It was 2013, we were stationed in Yokosuka- She had a Masters in Biology, and here she was, doing highlights and cuts from Home. I hugged her and listened to every word she spoke- I was in awe. Instant connection, instantly inspired.

In that moment, I was living that existence as well, in my own way- Major differences of lifestyle though, I had no College Degree, 3 kids at home, and an all over the place focus - I was struggling as my best self, happy being my own “creativeprenuer” and a Mama full time- Running a successful, small scale, Crochet Shop overseas I built through FaceBook and my Military Community (Yall are my peeps forever!!!) and a side hustle of photography, to pay off debt from a past life- I must have been working 60+ hr weeks when husband was at Sea, just trying to survive deployments, keeping the kids at my hips and the forefront of my heart and attention, and building up what I would later let fall…… I honestly couldnt have been more sure of exactly who I was- I look back and see pride in myself- It was a really good chapter….

The years that followed would bring major shifts and change to not only me, but our family…. Another baby, another home, a new rhythm- my hands couldnt handle making hats and blankets anymore, I lost the love of photographing others as I felt I wasnt being as present with the kids in their early ages I yearned to- I was pulled too many directions and the chaos around me changed beat, leading to stress and a major shift …. I needed a new philosophy, and a new ‘Mom Hood’ Groove- Slower living was truly resonating with me… I could see who I wanted to be as a Mother of 4 and poured my energy into being the best version of that I could- I closed up “shop” so to speak for a bit, feeling a bit finished with that chapter so I could “BE HERE NOW” (Love that Nahko song!) Things were good, things felt right. When we jumped the ocean again and the deployments started back up (to many to count!), I took a change in the direction of my ‘business’ (if I can call it that), in which the years to follow I would dabble in, but never dive- I discovered plant dying and doll making, macrame and quilting, and would play in this when the long nights settled in or I needed a major distraction from missing my partner—— But then Homeschooling happened- like overnight- and I knew instantly it was my calling, for the time…. I enjoyed the years home with my girls more then I can ever describe- It was wonderful… We immersed ourselves into books and nature and handcrafts and baking and exploring anything of interest- Field trips to waterfalls and mountains, parks or festivals- Forts and daily dress up/costume making- decorating the house by painting murals on the windows and hanging twinkle lights and handmade dream catchers and leaves and flowers from the ceiling, anything to make our hearts feel warmth while we missed Dad. I watched my girls blossom, and somewhere in there I did too. In 2020, when I felt I was doing exactly what I should be, feeling balanced and on top, I had a major health scare, which took over my whole being for months… Followed by another huge duel country, round the world PCS (holy stress) We finished up the school year here in our new home, trying to pick up where we left off, and things got so much better! But then, another health struggle (at this point really, really effecting my mental state as well) I was over being sick.…. After what ended up being a pretty fantastic Summer, as we went home to see family, the girls decided to try out school here in Sicily… All of our neighbors and friends here go, and its a small school where their older siblings would be in the same building- I was super supportive, but my heart broke a little- This would be where this last year left me utterly lost. I felt like I didnt know how to fill the days, how to NOT have a kid at home with me! (I had a little under 5 for the last 18 years!) I had one starting Kinder, and one in her Senior year- I felt like my heart had been ripped, limbs missing, and having to actually stare at my own reflection- asking the question ‘Who are you outside of MOM?’ I dont effin know! I was hired on as a Substitute so I could be at the school with the kids (pandemic means still no visitors) so that was something, and a nice distraction. I found a love for it- I have always felt best surrounded by kids- It works for me… But I know its temporary, and not what I want to do later in life. Somehow, still internally struggling.

The last few months I decided enough was enough- Im not this person. Im so much stronger then this and I have ALWAYS figured my shit out- So I put in the self work. Step 1-I got my health under control… Step 2- Did some major inner reflection and work… Step 3- talked to my husband, accepted the fact that he supports me (damn if Im not to proud for my own good!) Step 4- Do some exploring. Step 5- Let go. Then dive in.

I think Im finally to Step 5- Just need to roll with it…..

I know this was a really long way to go just to say “Hey, Im back at it!” but I owed it to myself to type this all out, get it out on the Blog, in the world. To gift myself TIME- time to take some classes, find the online (and eventually local) community that I can learn from, time to find my path here- Therapeutic in a way, accountability in another, and sheer excitement all over- Know your WHY, then your GIFT, then what makes you JUMP out of bed in the morning- Put in the damn work, and see whats blooms.

So here I go. (i should have shared photos from over the years, maybe in my next post- But here are some hubby took in the sunset for me <3)

This month Im very IMPATIENTLY waiting for fabrics to arrive- Linen and cotton and hemp and muslin- as well as some dye materials….. I have a journal full of Ideas to really get experimenting with this Summer, but first things first- I need to finish my daughters Graduation Quilt. (cue tears. I cant even say it without blubbering) I knew when the Spring Wild Flowers popped up here in Sicily I wanted to do a stamped piece for the backing…. I used a large scrap of organic linen, mordanted with Alum, then hammered out the color from Poppies and Daisies and Bluebells, and a few I honestly dont know the names of! (But that will be part of my education in this new world! Naming the flowers…) Story and Tea helped, they wanted to be part of Big Sis’ special gift….

I hope you stick around as I embark further down this road…. Yall have been so amazing hanging around these years, while I try to find myself. Maybe it was all just a process to lead me right here. “You are exactly where you need to be”. Yep. Got it.

Till next time- xoxoxoxo