The Slow in the Chaos.... Melting into Deployment #14

It is Sunday

I’m waking to coffee already brewing, my girls start it now on most mornings, greeting me with a cup in my favorite “Mama Bear” ceramic mug, mushroom mix and almond milk.… My insomnia keeping me up through nights, so I wake just after the Sun, just after them… I don’t like the ryhtym, I feel I’m loosing my favorite part of the Day, yet rising to the aroma of roast coffee grounds, my Dog’s head resting still on the pillow next to mine, Story & Bird moving through the house in whispers, not to disturb me, sneaking into the room carefully cradling a hot drink to set on my nightstand with a little note “Enjoy <3” -well, my heart melts…..

We are 34 days into yet another…… Another stretch across oceans, another calendar of months separated, another Sunday morning we are not lying side by side. This is Deployment. This is Deployment number 14.

The first month for us is always the hardest… The routine of life we have finally gotten back into is thrown up into the sky, only to come down with a jumble of logistics while nurturing broken hearts. I have said this before, I’ll say it forever, deployments never get easier. But I was wrong to say they all feel the same when you are in them however…. I feel so different this time. WE feel so different.

I am so behind on writing in this space, it makes me sad- but sitting here and being vulnerable- typing out the milestones of this year, it fills me with overwhelming emotion…. So, I have just avoided. I have stepped away from sharing our life to truly feel it… to move through the motions, to embrace the changes and challenges, to be as positive as I can for all 4 kids and their journey, to take care of me and my health, to adjust to our new quote on quote “Norm.” This though, number 14, it’s just the three of us. Madi is thriving at University, Rye in training, heading overseas himself in just a few months. Their presence missing within these walls- it’s quieter. It feels like a big piece of me, a whole chunk of my heart, is just lost. I was warned, when your children start moving out that you worry even more for them, that you feel unsteady- embracing and surrendering to the motions of Life, trusting in their adult selves and their capability to take on the World- it helps. The daily phone calls and video chats, I’m spoiled and oh so thankful. Yet it’s still a void. It’s still just, quieter.

Then He left.

On our 17 year Navy Anniversary.

We had known the day was coming for months- we prepared, spent time seeing family, had the older babes home for the Holidays. We made every moment together count… We planned- discussing next duty stations on long dog walks (which we yet again will need to choose, 7,800 miles apart- that ones rough) and set goals for the future…. This mental prep for us is necessary- Have things on the horizon to look forward to…. Reminders that these sacrifices are for the end game. There are so many details talked over through streams of tears and tension, embraces so tight it takes your breathe away…. He has his role, I have mine. We honor one another deeply, the incredibly different feelings we are all going through. Although we do this so well- this Navy Life- the deployments, the major moves, raising kids in it- its Hard. It’s hard as Hell.

Yet here we are. The void louder than ever, but a month into this, hopefully last, ride of Ocean Tides between us. The girls, Koda, and I finding our new footing, our daily. Taking breath when the waves feel crushing, pulling inward when everything gets wild, Allowing Slow in the Chaos. We have each-other. Gratitude over flowing my heart.

The sun is now up, my coffee gone cold. Sounds of laughter coming from Birdy’s room upstairs, girls playing with Koda through a Sugar High from their breakfast doughnuts, a treat left over from our “Girl Date” downtown yesterday… “Goodnight, Love you to the Moon” text lighting up my phone on the desk beside me from my darling Man… This is Sunday. A beautiful day. A slow day. A slow day, before the chaos of another week. Another week full of beauty within these slightly quieter walls.

We are ok. We are doing great. We are melting into this, deployment #14.

I do hope to be here more, to finish the posts sitting in my side panel, 1/2 written. To edit photos taken of the in-between… to share projects I am working on for the Shop, for myself. To hold space, in this space.. A little Chronicle of our Life.

With that said, till next time. -xoxo